The Desire to be Great

Last night, me and my friends went out to have one of our "meetings" where we talk about anything that's been going on with our lives. From the most shallow of thoughts, like, "What was that song with the grammatical error Roquee's been ranting about? (toodoot doo, doo, doo, toodoot doo, and it goes... the way you just whisper me... wtf!?... hehe)", to the deep and more sociably acceptable topic of what lies ahead in our respective careers and lives.

My best friend has finally decided to follow her heart despite the distance from family and friends and the fear of adjustment. I am so psyched and happy for my friend's vigor in her life but I envy her. She has dedicated weeks of research and intensive planning while I waste away my time sleeping, eating, lots of sudoku (it's the latest craze in puzzles right now), and a whole lot more of phooey. And for what? Just so I could get on by with my day... It's not that I don't want to be a better person, it's just that I can't bring myself to make the first step.

I used to be like her, I had a dream and I had it all planned out. But I seem to have lost that dream, along with myself, and my trim figure as well... I don't know what's wrong with me now. I've lost the drive to excel, forgotten my pursuit for success, and thrown the desire to be great. And it doesn't help that I'm included in the batch tainted with the nursing board exam leaks. You know, I just get so frustrated. Answered the damn exams honestly... Sheesh! I'm angry at the system and I'm angry at myself.

I may come off as a person with a cheerful disposition... Sure, I laugh at your jokes, I smile, and I kid around. But mind you, I'm beginning to feel that I'm secretly nursing a sad and morose monster within me because I just feel that I hate everything right now... And I hate me for feeling that way...